Beijing Olympics opening ceremony as it happened - views from within the Bird's Nest

17.06 The cauldron-lighter is revealed..

Here comes the flame. It’s making its way round the stadium, passing from Chinese Olympic medallist to Chinese Olympic medallist. All these gymnast and divers and table tennis players, but who’s going to get the final gig of launching the flame skywards to that giant cauldron up there? It was Li Ning, an elderly gymnast who was lofted high up on a wire to a degree that you feared for his head for heights. Once up there, he circled the stadium roof unfurling a scroll as he went until he lit the flame. And blimey, that’s what you call a flame. Look out your window and I expect you’ll be able to see it…

16.16pm Here come the hosts...

What a great noise. And what a great sight. The Chinese have arrived to tumultuous cheering. And they’re marching behind Yao Ming, all seven and a bit feet of him, carrying the Chinese flag, wearing a big grin. It’s some visual statement that. Some statement of intent. And he’s walking in with a tiny little kid. Aaah. The Chinese team is almost as big as the American. It goes on for ever. All round the stadium, people are waving the China flag. And lighting their red torches. And chanting China China. I’m looking forward to these games, if they mean this much to the locals, they are going to be something to remember…

16.09pm Calm down, calm down...

Here come the Aussies. Then it’s Zambia, then China. The crowd think they’ve seen the Chinese flag and are cheering wildly. Turn down the volume on your telly. This could get loud.

16.05pm Why can't we be friends...

A competitor marching for Senegal has just unfurled a banner. Here’s excitement. Is it a protest? Is he supporting the Dalai Lama? Is he complaining about the smog? No, it reads “amite d’abord, competition ensuite” - friendship first, competition to follow. Very bland. Still, those snipers on the roofline can dip their barrels…

15.58pm Federer dresses down...

The flame cauldron has just appeared. It is perched on the roof of the stadium and is absolutely huge. Not even Yao Ming, the seven foot six inch local basketball player, could slam dunk a torch up there. So get ready for a spectacular.

Here’s a nice touch, Roger Federer is carrying the Swiss flag. And he’s wearing Bermuda shorts. What happened to that handsome blazer and trouser combination he sported at Wimbledon?

15.45pm Memories of Euro '96...

The Colombians are having to be told to keep inside the white lines, while the Dutch are conforming to type: the black athletes have formed little gaggles well away from the others. It’s like the dressing room at Euro 96 all over again.

15.35pm Americans larger than life...

Kazakhstan are wearing virulent orange skirts, bought perhaps in a job lot from Easyjet, while the US team behind them have Lopez Lamond, a refugee from Sudan, carrying their flag. It’s what’s known as a political statement. But the hosts don’t seem to have noticed the subtle dig at Chinese foreign policy, they’re cheering anyway. But then they have yet to see those caps the Americans are wearing. It makes them all look like golf club members from Augusta. Even the badass boys from the basketball dream team look a tad emasculated in them. The American team is so huge, incidentally, it fills up almost an entire circuit. Which isn't bad as none of the swimmers are there. Though that may be because they’ve thinned down into single file at the back. Which might be regarded as cheating.

15.20pm Here come the Brits...

I can see the flag. Great Britain are arriving behind Latvia. The announcement of the name gets a polite ripple of applause. The television cameras give us a fleeting glimpse of Princess Anne on her feet in the IOC section. Shame she can’t cheer on her daughter, Zara, whose horse was injured before proceedings and had to drop out. That’s the swimmer Mark Foster carrying the flag. He’s been around for five of these performances, so he must know the ropes. He looks splendid, with his mahogany tan, marching a good few dozen yards ahead of the rest. Behind him everyone appears to be dressed like bank clerks in outfits best described as nondescript. Particularly compared to the jazzy outfits worn by the British Virgin Island team behind them.

There are no cyclists, or yachties or equestrian types among the British marchers, they are all engaged elsewhere. We’ll see them at the closing ceremony, maybe decorated with medals. But young Tom Daley is out there. As with everything he does, the 14-year-old diver looks significantly more mature than many of the competitors twice his age. Particularly the Spaniards.

Your View: Grace in Tokyo says: "Great commentary Jim. Don't worry about those who lack a discerning Irish or British sense of humour; your wit is lost on them. I'm really enjoying your observations."

15.04pm Easy on the eye...

The bloke from the Guardian has just pointed out that the flag carrier from Jordan is significantly more comely than Jordan herself. But we’re not going to let this blog descend into a catalogue of that kind of sexist nonsense. Certainly not while the female athletes from Iceland are in binocular range…

14.58pm Spaniards hold up procession...

The Spaniards have broken ranks at the sight of a Spanish TV camera. A big group of them have jogged over and are dancing and cavorting in front of it. Funny, should they win a gold medal, they’ll all be complaining about media intrusion.

Look, this is getting out of hand, the Spaniards have turned the procession into Sunday night on the Ramblas. They’ve now caused a traffic jam. Bermuda behind them have had to ground to a halt. You know they’re Bermuda because, yes, they’re wearing shorts…

14.50pm If Team GB fail, there's always...

There’s an awful lot of Canadians, as you would expect, a huge number from the current world sporting champions, Spain, and only a handful from St Vincent. But they look, in their panama hats, as if out for a gentle Friday evening promenade. There’s nine of them, they’re all middle aged and they’re very very relaxed. I wonder what they are competing in? I now want them to win.

14.45pm Call me on my mobile...

The Indians look very splendid, in their saris and Nehru jackets. Though the elegance cut of their jib is somewhat spoiled by one of their party chatting away on his mobile as he marches. “Yes, yes, that’s me. Behind Belarus. What? I know, something to do with the Mandarin alphabet…”

14.40pm Andy Murray's chomping at the bit...

There’s a lot of waiting around for these athletes before they get their moment of marching. They had to be in position before the fireworks were even fused. Andy and Jamie Murray, marching with the British team, had to be out there beside the stadium at seven o’clock, two and a bit hours ago. And they’ve still not been called. No wonder those athletes competing tomorrow like Michael Phelps didn’t wish to be part of this. Still, they are missing out. This will be remembered for a long time as the new benchmark of opening ceremonies. London better start recruiting morris dancers now.

14.36pm Apologies...

Oh no, hang on, that was Palestine. Ooh, bit political there, as Ben Elton used to say…

14.35pm Know thy neighbour...

Brazil have just come in after Papua New Guinea and before Paraguay and Bahrain. And the band are playing Over the Sea to Skye. Phew. The only person who doesn’t look confused in the VIP section is George W. Perhaps that list entirely tallies with his knowledge of geography.

Pakistan just got a big cheer. Maybe for the crowd this is a giant game of greet the neighbours.

14.25pm There's still a long way to go...

Once they’ve done a single circuit of the arena, the athletes enter a sort of traffic grid made up of lithe looking dancers who are jiggling and prancing excitedly. Do they realise they have got to keep this up for an hour and 50 minutes? And have the dope testers been informed? It’s a complicated manoeuvre to arrive in position, the Greeks haven’t yet got there, they are still marching around a good 20 minutes after first appearing. Chinese Taipei have just earned themselves a terrific cheer as they emerge into the stadium, which was, in the words of that bloke from the Fast Show, nice…

Your View: Matt Paterson: "It's nice to see a bit of tongue in cheek humour. Much better than the Beijing Broadcasting Coporation's coverage."

14.12pm First up - it's Greece...

They look very happy. Apparently news has just reached them that facilities in Athens have now been completed and are ready to host the games. Very confusingly for us, the alphabetical order is Mandarin, so Turkey are following Guinea-Bissau. And the Cayman Islands leading out Bhutan. Mind, that’s not as confusing as the music playing right now. It’s “Flower of Scotland.” Oh right, I see why. There are five orchestras from around the world providing the music and the Mains of Fintry Pipe Band are one of them. They are a 12 piece and they come from Dundee. And it’s lovely to hear from them….

Your View: Annie Yu: "Everything you have written are either negative, or are very very prejudiced. Just to point out a few points. Please check the time when the Guttenburg was invented, and check at the time when the Movable Type Printer was invented. The show of the disciples of Confucius. You might think they're "goose-stepping", but have you even considered how much effort and time they have put into it? Let's see you put 3000 people together like that and make it nearly as perfect.

14.12pm Let me introduce...

And now here they come, the people who really count in all this. No not the IOC delegates. Or George Bush's bodyguards. The athletes, marching in waving and gawping. There will be no Brunei Darussaiam out there, however. The country was excluded from participating only moments before the ceremony began after failing to register any athletes for the competition. Is that because the country didn’t have any athletes? Or was it an administrative error, and in fact there’s a whole team of them out there on the wrong side of security, with their flag, unable to gain entry because they don’t have the right documentation. Sadly, we will never know.

Your View: Scott P: "I think the coverage this morning is fabulous. I woke up and expected to just look at pics and read boring commentary until I thankfully came across the Telegraph site. Jim's view is hilarious, including the commment about our equally hilarious president's short attention span, and has made my morning more enjoyable. Thanks and keep it up!

14.08pm London beware...

Blimey, now that’s what you call a firework. Now the Chinese really did invent these. And that marks the end of the formal entertainment. London you really better get working. Frankly, Cliff Richard duetting with Vera Lynn really won’t compete with this…

Your view: Lawrence Muhammed: "I'm watching the ceremony online - yes i'm in America, the networks don't own the net. Your negative views about the event is no way a representation of the art and powerful display of the Chinese people. No where in the western world would a show like this be possible. It is the most amazing thing i have seen and display of technology and human performance."

14.05pm George W joins in with the fun

Things have gone a bit dreamy now. A giant papier mache globe has emerged from the bowels of the arena, lots of acrobats are swishing around on high wires and in the crowd everyone is adding to the spectacle by waving their multi-coloured torches around. Except in the VIP section, which remains resolutely dark. Gone on George, light up your torch. Join in the fun. Actually a camera flash has just gone off in there. Must have been Nicolas Sarkozy gathering visual evidence to reinforce his complaint about being put right at the back next to the IOC delegate from Burkina Faso.

14.00pm Moving on...

Nature now. And a lot of birdsong. Not sure where they recorded that locally. In just over a week, the only feathered thing I’ve seen is a pigeon. And he looked as if he was not long for this world. As with everything though, it’s wonderful and terribly well choreographed. As I write, there are about 400 martial artists all dressed in white suits and white shoes strutting their stuff. They look a bit like the annual reunion of the cruise ship stewards association. I wonder if John Prescott is down there?

Your view...Doesn't look like Marcos Bong agrees with Jim:

"Your political views are very obvious and quite valid even if they are not expressed. But all the sarcastic and jaded comments cannot in any way diminish what is a fantastic and almost unbelievable spectacle that the Chinese have put on for the opening ceremony. Do i detect a large element of jealousy? Do make sure to remember all your sarcastic comments as they will certainly be needed for the English attempt at an Olympic ceremony in a few years. The words" gray" and "sodden" come to mind in anticipation of what will undoubtedly be your pathetic effort in London."

13.45pm Lime green pyjamas, it has to be launch night...

That’s Lang Lang, the brilliant concert pianist, down there, tinkling the ivories, accompanied by a five year old helper and surrounded by about two thousand dancers in lime green pyjamas. You just wouldn’t see that anywhere else but in an Olympic opening ceremony, now would you? Oh and look, they've all gone spangly now. Apart form one guy whose trousers won't illuminate. Poor fellow, he's doing his best to find the wire. But no, they won't switch on. Oh dear. That's his hopes of advancement down the pan.

13.40pm Graham Norton's curtains...

Music now and a celebration of Kunshan, which has been played for 4,000 years in these parts. Apparently, along with paper, the printing press and gangs of oarsmen, they invented music in China. Next they’ll be claiming they invented the Olympic Games. Rather like the skirts those singers are wearing, mind. Does Graham Norton realise someone’s pinched his curtains?

13.35pm Memories of Sir Steve

Sorry, switched off for a moment there during the Chinese opera bit. Now we’re celebrating the silk road, with a lot of paddling acrobats swinging giant flags around to represent oars. As with everything, this has been rehearsed to within an inch of its life and is truly splendid. Really, I have not seen anything that well co-ordinated using a blade since Steve Redgrave won the coxless fours at Sydney.

13.24pm Are you paying attention at the back?

Now we are in the midst of a celebration of moveable type printing. Try to stay awake at the back there. A lot of boxes are being moved around in the centre of the arena. Like everything else it is mighty impressive but might be historically misleading. According to the programme, moveable type was invented in China. So Guttenberg was an impostor then. The chap from the Guardian next to me has just suggested we need a few more fireworks. Still can’t find that firework button…

13.20pm Taking a time out

After a rather lengthy and – let’s be honest here – dull tableau involving the discovery pf paper (three acrobats squirmed about on a huge canvas and, as they squirmed painted a picture which was then suspended up in the stadium roof) a bunch of shouting chaps in long cloaks have marched into the arena. They appear to be goose-stepping. Eeek. They are apparently the “three thousand disciples of Confusius.” Confucius he say I’m just slipping out for a comfort break…

13.14pm Bring on the kids...

A bunch of kids representing all 57 different ethnicities in China (you can bet the lad from Tibet was thrilled to get the call) are bringing out a Chinese flag. Here comes the national anthem. You may be hearing rather a lot of this over the next fortnight.

Somehow, now it has been raised up the pole, the Chinese flag is flapping vigorously in what appears to be a brisk breeze. Maybe someone could point some of it in my direction. Meanwhile, more fireworks. I really must find the firework setting on my camera…

13.10pm Lighting up the world

A series of 29 colossal firework footprints are marching across the sky along the central Olympic avenue from the green into the national stadium. Like the rest of the world, those of us in the stadium are following their progress on television. Oh, hang on, one is just about to step into the stadium. Now I know how an ant feels.

These symbolise gunpowder, which, according to the official programme, was one of the four great inventions of modern China. Its discovery was, apparently, “one of the outstanding achievements of human civilisation”. Along, presumably, with the invention of the AK47 and the shoulder held rocket launcher.

Now the footprints are now changing, bursting into stars which form up the Olympic rings. It is very symbolic. Deeply symbolic. I've just tried to take a picture on my camera, but sadly the image doesn’t do this justice.

13.05pm Guy Fawkes night

After an incredible 10-9-8 countdown involving more fireworks than are exploded in Britain on Guy Fawkes night, now the fou men are shouting and chanting and beating their drums. I’ve not seen anything this co-ordinated and scary since the Istanbul football derby. We can safely assume they mean it. Get to your tellies and watch this. You certainly won’t see anything like it in London in four years time.

12.58pm Better than Athens

It has started. The band is playing, the crowd is clapping and President Hu has taken his place in the royal box. Except in China it is known as the Party Box.

Everyone in the box has a giant fan. George Bush is sitting next to Vladimir Putin. It is not yet clear what the protocol is about who fans who.

Actually the seventeen rows of laundrymen turn out not to be laundrymen at all. They are about to address their fou. The fou is ancient Chinese percussion instruments, which, when played in mass formation sounds like thunder. Either that or it is actually thundering. Each fou is being lit separately, in rhythm to their drumming. Right now the lights are flashing so bright someone ought to issue a strobe lighting warning. Wow. Already this is better than they managed at Athens.

12.50pm Gladiator ready!

As the masters and mistresses of ceremonies finish their turn, several hundred men wheeling what appear to be laundry baskets have filled the arena floor. I wonder if my trousers, which somehow the volunteers who run the media village launderette contrived to lose overnight, are down there somewhere? In serried ranks, beautifully marshalled, they look very impressive, if not a little ominous. In fact it looks a bit like the scene at the start of Gladiator when Russell Crowe has lined his troops up in the woods and is about to unleash hell.

12.45pm Listen up George W

We are being instructed how to use the contents of our participation bag. Five identikit television presenters, who look as though they might be about to announce the votes from the Uzbekistan jury in the Eurovision song contest, have come into an arena cleared of dancers and tumblers, to tell us what to wave and when. Roughly we have to wave our flags, shake our hankies and light our torches. In case anyone misses the point, the directions are going up in several languages on the big screen. Some of the instructions are basic. Remember: do not wave the flag and the torch at the same time, one reads. George W Bush is not yet in his seat, however, so they may need to repeat the directions later.

12.30pm A word about the stadium

From the outside its tangled steel bird’s nest construction is astonishing, one of the architectural wonders of the modern sporting world, and visible from at least three feet away in standard Beijing fug. It feels solid, too. A colleague and I gave one of the huge supporting struts a crisp rap with the knuckles on the way in and there is nothing hollow about it. Inside, though, things are visually less dramatic. It has the same three-tiered look of Wembley, the red plastic seats are reminiscent of the Emirates, the roof might be the inspiration for the new covering across Wimbledon’s centre court. This is what you might call sporting globalisation. Like the British high street, everywhere in the sporting world is beginning to look the same.

12.15pm: The numbers game...

On the desk of each media representative is a sheet of paper detailing some of the numbers of the opening ceremony. We can expect, apparently, 15,153 different types of costume, 600 staff supporting the fireworks programme and 179,400 bottled drinks to be sold in the stadium. Well, here are a couple of other numbers about China that are not listed. In any single day in this vast country 22,000 couples are married, 44,000 babies born, 1.6 million pigs are eaten and 24 million chicken meet a deep fried end. Plus, right now, about 250 western journalists are on the point of expiring from the heat.

12.00pm: Beijing or a November-day in Clacton?

Apparently there is an hour and a quarter of this warm up stuff. In which case the tumblers and dancers are going to get very warm. The weather isn’t what the organisers had hoped for. A grey pall hangs over the Olympic Park (think Clacton in November, except with the heat turned up to eleven). It is so humid, I’m already on my third shirt of the day and all I’ve done is walk into the stadium. So goodness knows how the bloke down there on the running track dressed in silk pyjamas climbing to the top of a seven-storey high human pyramid must be feeling. I’d rather not be doing the laundry.

The track and centre field are covered by a vast grey tarpaulin. At least I assume it’s grey. It might be a huge reflective pad which is merely mirroring the colour of the sky. They were hoping for something azure, but have got instead a tone which the Osborne and Little catalogue would describe as shadow. Dark, grey shadow.

11.30am: Warming up for the main event

An hour and a half before kick off at the opening ceremony of the 29th Olympic Games here in Beijing and down there in the arena already I have seen the following: a tumbling dragon, a troupe of child acrobats and a collection of stilt walkers dressed in green chiffon. It could be a long evening.

This, it turns out, is not a last minute rehearsal. It is just the pre-match entertainment provided by the Arts Academy of Guizhou University and the Stilt Yangge Dance of Haicheng. Poor things, they’ve planned and rehearsed and dreamed about this moment for three years and here they are strutting their stuff in front of a stadium empty save for a few hundred over-eager journalists.

Still, it promises to be some event. On each seat is an ethically-sourced, re-cyclable carrier filled with of audience participation props. Never mind a square of coloured paper to hold up, this is an entire kit bag. In mine is a flag, a large decorated handkerchief, a little drum on a stick with two dangly bits that strike the surface when you twist it in your hand, what appears to be a large sheet of plastic and – this is the exciting bit – a replica Olympic torch which glows in several colours. I'm ready to play my part...