Making artwork is a form of therapy for me. As an artist, it is vital that I have a constant creative outlet, or I start to feel completely disconnected from the world around me — as though I have no purpose.
The physical process of painting and drawing is extremely sacred to me. I am not a very confident person in many areas of my life, but I feel strong and confident creatively.
Recently, I’ve been painting one small self-portrait every day, as a type of diary to document my days and my feelings. This is a week in my life.
For as long as I can remember, I have always felt weak. Being strong and brave — things that came easy for other boys — eluded me. I learned to fear my sensitivity and often found myself wallowing in self-pity. I found comfort in feeling helpless.
It’s hard to separate myself from the child I once was. As I got older, I tried to change my thought patterns and find strength in my vulnerability. At times, I can be so hard on myself for not transforming into something new; for carrying these experiences with me.
Life is moving so quickly that I don't recognize the changes within myself — it’s hard to keep perspective. I can’t tell if I’m making progress.
I often feel more comfortable the more ridiculous my outfit is. People see this as confidence, but the more extreme I look, the less likely it is to be true — and maybe that’s the point.
Clothing to me is a barrier against the ugliness of the world. It protects me. Fashion has always been a way for me to control how other people see me, as I realized from a young age that I was unable to hide my effeminate qualities. Children and adults would stare or make inappropriate comments. They often made me feel threatened and intimidated, but I couldn't hide who I was or be anyone other than myself. I decided to try and be fearless, forced into a position to use eye-catching clothing as a defense mechanism to protect myself.
I feel like my queer friends and I all grew up with some form of fear or shame — like there was something fundamentally wrong with us that made us less deserving of love and life. For me, I felt a self-hatred so strong, I would do anything I could to escape it, or overcompensate for it.
Being myself in public became increasingly hard the older I got. I could see how different I was from other kids, and it left me so vulnerable that I never felt at ease. By middle school, I developed an overwhelming need for the validation of others, that I still can’t shake. I hear a voice tell me I am not worthy of happiness or love, and I turn on myself, destroying any sense of good around me. I often feel like the worst person in the world, unable to regulate my emotions and be a rational adult.
I am doing my best to work through these feelings on a daily basis.
Emotions and experiences within my former relationship were so heightened that I couldn't imagine life outside of it. If I am honest, I genuinely enjoyed the suffering and the rush that came from feeling out of control. Being controlled by another person made me feel like I didn't exist, and by losing myself, I also lost the horrible voices in my head. I isolated myself from my family and friends, while hanging on his every word and action. It was too easy to mistake passion for love.
When I am really stuck in my own head, the thought of sex makes me feel sick to my stomach.
When I’m struggling to find any reason to appreciate myself, it’s easy to doubt others for seeing what I don’t; it’s easy to find their desire misleading and words of love almost predatory. This is what I find so hard to accept — that being emotionally vulnerable only makes me feel overwhelmed, when deep down all I’ve ever really wanted was to give myself to someone completely.
When I am with you, I feel free — free to express myself without judgement or fear of failure — something I have truly never felt before. You didn’t just say you loved me, you showed me, and had the patience to wait until I understood how to be loved. You saved me from a darkness I felt could never be lifted, and on days when it creeps back, you take the time to really listen to me. You tell me that you love me desperately, that you will protect me and that everything will be better than ok, and I believe it. You’ve saved my life and I’ll never forget that.
I would have visited him anywhere, but he lived in New York. When he asked me to marry him, I would have lived anywhere, but we chose New York. I was so swept up that I didn’t think twice about leaving my friends, my family, my career as I knew it.
In this city I have met so many wonderful and inspiring people. I really feel myself growing and progressing like never before. I fall in love with New York every day.
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